so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?