I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
