you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.