Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
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I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
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I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.