Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
