He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We had sex on a dog bed..
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