my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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