Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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