well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
