someone threw a dead crab at me
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think I just sharted jello shots
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
