your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
