i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
