I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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