Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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