oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
