apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
