We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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