I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
