mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
