Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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