doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
