I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
