the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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