I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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