absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
