have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
