Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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