I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
