I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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