u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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