dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
