omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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