phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
