I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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