You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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