Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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