I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
