You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
