I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
