Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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