i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
