New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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