we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
