I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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