I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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