i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
