I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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