You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Houston, we have a squirter
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
