Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
