Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
