So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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