you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
