So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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