So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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