Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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