Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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