I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
