I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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