Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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