I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
